I am 26 years younger than my partner. I know it’s kind of a stretch and believe me I’ve heard from everyone and I am aware of all this. But she is just wonderful. She is the most amazing person I know, and I love her very much.
But I don’t have much experience with dating and don’t quite know what to say or do at times. Like she asks me what I would like to do sexually. What are my fantasies? What would I like to try? I have no idea what I would like to try. I have thought of things before, but I am too shy to tell them to her.
I am a quiet person, always have been. She does a lot of talking and I would like to overcome this shyness and talk about everything too. If you have any advice please let me know.
Signed,
Shy Susan
Dear Shy Susan,
I see some red flags here and it concerns me.
Normally an age difference would not concern me that much, except for how you describe yourself: as someone who is shy and doesn’t know how to ask for what she wants. What I fear most for you is an imbalance of power. There is already a power imbalance here based on your ages.
Even if your partner is not consciously trying to control you, just by the fact that she has had so much more experience than you gives her more power.
But that is not my biggest concern. You use the excuse of being shy, but what I really hear is that you don’t know how to ask for what you want in a relationship. With age, experience and trust in our partners, we learn to ask for what we need. Not just sexually either.
Being Shy is an Excuse
The way I see it, saying you are shy is just an excuse. If you want to be with someone, you've got to take risks. Holding in what you want is not doing either of you any good. You’re not getting what you want and she has no way of knowing what will please you or make you happy.
When I hear you say you are afraid to tell her what you want, what I hear is that you are afraid of her reaction. This is a clear sign that although you love her, you do not totally trust her. I am not saying she is not trustworthy. What are you afraid will happen if you speak your desires? Will she ridicule you? Laugh? Probably not.
What Do you Really Fear?
Ask yourself, what is the worst that could happen if I tell her what I truly want. Then ask youself what is the best that could happen. Chances are your worst fears will not be realized, but your fantasies just might!
If you want things to work with this woman, you have to dig deep inside, take a deep breath, and tell her what you want. I suggest you start with your own personal journal. Write down the things you fantasize about, but are too afraid to say out loud. You can show this to her, or maybe writing it out will give you the courage to speak it.
If you are not able to trust or communicate with your partner, then I don't see how your relationship can make it. Both of you will just build up resentment and not understand each other. Step outside of your comfort zone and ask for what you want!
Don't know where to start? Try Felice Newman's Whole Lesbian Sex Book. Perhaps you can read it together.
If you want to avoid a power imbalance in this relationship, you have to learn to speak for yourself. I would say this to you even if there were not such an age difference.
Good luck to you both!
Kathy
