No One Believes I'm a Lesbian
Well now that I am slowly peaking out of the closet and taking steps to come out, I am getting a reaction that I wasn't expecting. I confided in two of my closest girlfriends that I had recently been dating a woman and they reacted by attacking the girl I was dating. They painted a picture of me being vulnerable and this girl taking advantage of that. They even went so far as to say, "You're not a lesbian." Since then, we haven't really talked about it again.I want to bring it up again but I don't know how to address it. Their support is important to me and I need them to understand that I really don't think this is a phase. We have been through thick and thin over the last two decades. I have since stopped dating the girl for other reasons and I feel like its going to make me less credible (stupid, I know) being single and trying to come out to them again.
What advice do you have on me re-addressing this whole thing?
Signed,
I'm Not Straight!
Dear Crooked:
Let me take a guess here. You're a pretty feminine woman who likes pretty clothes, make-up and even high heels. Maybe you were in a sorority or have a job that is traditionally feminine, like nurse or teacher. And most significantly, men find you attractive.
Does this sound like you? If so, know that you're not alone. Believe it or not, coming out is often easier for tomboys like me. All growing up, we preferred rough and tumble to Barbie and when we finally uttered the words, "I think I might be gay," most of our friends were like, "Duh!"
I have one friend who has been with her partner for five years and still people don't believe she is a lesbian. Granted, she does look like a model. And her girlfriend isn't far off. They even have problems sometimes at the lesbian bar. People want to know what "those straight chicks are doing here."
How to Convince People You're a Lesbian
Dear Crooked, even if this is not you, even if you're a big softball playing, football cheering, truck driving, short-haired veterinarian, living in Provincetown, it's not quite clear why your friend haven't accepted you.Perhaps the information is too new to them. Perhaps you've tried so hard for so many years to convince them (even subconsciously) that you're straight, that that is all they can see.
Unfortunately, you're left with the job of educating your friends about lesbians and the lesbian lifestyle, when perhaps you're just learning about it yourself.
The main thing is to have patience with your friends. You don't have to bring it up with them over and over, but when the opportunity is right, when you're sitting around talking about people that you'd like to date, mention the girl in your office you think is cute.
When it comes time to rent a movie, pick out Imagine Me & You or Gray Matters. Both are movies about people who thought they were straight, until they fell for a girl.
Perhaps your friends are in shock. Perhaps they've never really met a gay person before and they believe all kinds of stereotypes of what a lesbian is.
Talk to Your Friend One to One
If you want to address this issue more directly with them, I suggest you do it one-on-one. Let them know that even though things didn't work out with you and woman you were dating, that you're going to continue to date women. Let her know how important it is for you that she accept you as you are.If you want, you can even go so far as to say, "Even if you are right, and I don't end up remaining a lesbian, this is how I identify now. I need you to accept that."
Hopefully your friends will, over time, come to accept you as you are. If they can't, then they risk the loss of your friendship.
